i just don't care anymore

Today had some ups and downs, but I'm alive. That's more than I can say about other days.

I woke up this morning and was just not feeling being alive. I set an alarm for five more minutes and actually managed to fall back asleep that quickly. I woke up and turned on my computer to see an email from my French professor. She had sent the corrections for the practice exam. I didn't even feel like dealing with it. I eventually got myself up and working. I'm so out of food that I actually ate m and ms for breakfast; my last package. I know that the whole point is to empty my cupboard before I have to leave, but I really hate being foodless. I guess it will be all McDos and Picard for me this week...not like I'm complaining. I started my studying by working on my French presentation. Today's topic was which song represents Paris for me. I chose Charles' Trenet "Douce France." I'm learning about it in my pop class, and I started singing it in my head whenever I walk somewhere. It's a really sweet song.

Next up was going over the answer key for French. I did make mistakes but I also learned from correcting my worksheet. I'm so exhausted/over studying that I really just don't care anymore. I've resigned myself to trying my best tomorrow. I can only go over the material so many times, but it will never be like the actual exam. We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. By the time I finished correcting the answer key (it took me over an hour because I wrote out all of the sentences instead of just writing in the answers) it was past 9:15. My stomach was hurting but my mind was clear. Thank heavens for that. I moved on to studying for pop. I studied the first two lectures and then figured I should get some food. Even I can't live on m and ms alone. I threw on some clothes and went to the boulangerie. It was barely sprinkling outside and it was freezing cold. I was back inside with my bread within fifteen minutes.

I then decided to.....did I write my first histories essay? That sounds right. I wrote the essay in about 40 minutes. Not too shabby. I took my time writing instead of furiously scribbling and I wrote more than I normally would in my rush to finish. The essay didn't turn out horribly so I wasn't too worried about it. Next I finished the pop lectures. I feel like I'm always forgetting the material. I forget that Zebda is completely in the rock mode (electric guitar, bass, drums) and then I forget all of the commonalities between rap and EDM (let alone all of the things we discussed for EDM!). I feel like I'm not going to do amazingly well but at the same time I just don't care enough. I didn't even study the old material today. I'm not done with school right now.

Next up was writing my second histories essay. This time I wrote the essay in 41 minutes. Not too bad at all. I wrote the essay and the only thing on my list that was left was finishing studying for French. I didn't feel like getting back to work so I took a break in bed for a bit. I had to look up the train website mom had sent to me. The website didn't have a train going from Paris to Barcelona, and one way was 152 euros. Mom is leaning towards me taking the train. She seems to really be pushing for it, but it's so expensive. Why did I think this trip was a good idea?! What is wrong with me?! I finally got back to my desk after awhile. I looked back over the answer key and reviewed all of the material that I'm not a 1,000% on and jotted down some things that I need to remember for tomorrow. Have I mentioned how I'm so done? I always get religious during midterms and finals. I actually thought "just give it to Jesus." I'm losing it.

I finished studying for French and got back into bed. It was already about three and I still hadn't done any packing or written my last card. There was really no time for a museum, and the ones that are on my list were last minute add ons that I'm not desperate to see anyway. I feel like if I leave Paris without seeing them I won't be disappointed. I started to look around Buzzfeed and found this list of things that Parisians say are must dos in Paris (which is probably written by someone who has never been to Paris but that's beside the point). It made me sad. I think I could live in Paris my entire life and never see everything on all of those travel lists. This city is really full of magic and tiny places that are worth seeing. I have a need to see them all, but I know that it's impossible. I started to feel sad, and only felt more sad when I started watching a video that showed pictures where each image showed NYC on one side and Paris on the other. I had to turn the video off. I started to cry and I knew that I needed to leave the house.

I figured that the only thing for me to do was to take back Caroline's cell phone and book. I put the things in my purse (I had already put them in a small bag) and wrote down the building code and address. I started my walk over in the freezing cold. It was still drizzling, but not the kind of drizzling that happens in California. It is literally so cold here that drops of water will fall out of the sky but it's not actually raining. I will not miss this weather. I walked over and had memorized Caroline's building code. It let me right in. I tried to fit the package into her mailbox but it wouldn't fit. What was I going to do. I figured that I'd try to put it in the large package mailbox. It didn't fit there either. I then took the bag apart (I had taped it) and put the cell phone in her mailbox. I then found a scrap of paper in my purse and wrote a small note explaining that I would put the book in the large mail box. I then tried to put the charger in her mailbox. It wouldn't fit. I didn't know what else to do so I put the charger in the bag (which by now wouldn't close) and dropped it into the large mail box. I then put a note inside the book in dropped it into the box. This entire time residents of the building kept exiting and saying "bon soir" to me. I felt so guilty. I'm so sorry that I had to do that, but I don't know if I could go back over there. Even if I could the situation would be the same. Have I mentioned how I feel beyond guilty? I'm so ashamed.

After my terrible deed I walked away as fast as I could. I then saw a Monoprix and went in to get something for breakfast. It was a really small version of a Monoprix and they really didn't have anything. I spotted a package of six waffles that looked like they were covered in powered sugar for 1,31. I went to the checkout with my waffles and told the cashier (there was only one worker in the store who acted as both cashier and shelf organizer) I was sorry for giving him a 20. He said it wasn't a problem and smiled at me. He seemed like a very nice man.

I walked home and got upstairs. I got sidetracked and started looking up Christmas gifts on Nordstrom.com for mom and Matthew. I was so distracted that I didn't even take off my boots. I didn't find anything good so I stopped shopping. My stomach had started to growl so I made myself one of my packages of chicken ramen. I added extra garlic powder and then changed clothes. I ate my ramen (which was surprisingly delicious) while watching Judge Judy in bed. I didn't feel like packing or writing the card so I watched some more tv. I finally decided to get out of bed and pack. I had totally forgotten at that moment that the handle on my big suitcase was broken. I took the suitcase out of the closet and it didn't look as bad as I remember. I pushed on it a few times and it magically went down! I'm a miracle worker! I then got out my small suitcase and started to find things that I could pack. I always hate packing and I think everything is necessary to leave out until the last second. I packed the books that I've never used, some clothes I know that I won't be wearing, my rain boots, my alarm clock (that I've never used), and some of my toiletry items. I then finally sat down to write the card.

By this time it was time for a shower. I delayed it some more and decided to watch more People's Court while eating the last of my nutella in bed. I did eventually get up to take my shower before it was time to skype with mom. Mom and I talked for an hour and a half about everything under the sun and now it's almost time for bed. I get to be a grownup tonight and stay up until 10:30. What a luxury. I'm exhausted and I've been writing so much that the nerves in my right thumb hurt. I can't even touch my finger without feeling pain. My life is so difficult.

Pray for me; I feel like there's going to be tears tomorrow.